God and Evil

By Cestlavie

My mother converted to Christianity when I was a baby. My father had
returned from his army tour in Okinawa and they moved far away from
her very large family. Things changed in their relationship and she
was alone much of the time. She found a Southern Baptist church and a
new extended family to fill the void. Consequently, the church was our
second home and we were there whenever the doors were open.

I remember getting "saved" when I was about 12. It was Easter Sunday
and the preacher gave a heart-rending sermon about what horrible
sinners we were and how God sacrificed his son, Jesus for our sins,
and what a horrible, painful death it was and it was all my fault for
being such a miserable sinner. I cried with the horror and shame of it
and ran to the front of the church begging forgiveness. I was no
stranger to shame, having been molested at the age of 6. And I'm
certain that a large part of the guilt and shame I felt growing up had
more to do with the despicable act of an adult, but I perceived it to
be my own failing as a human and spent my teenage years cowered in
guilt and shame for all the normal feelings and reactions of a
maturing young woman.

At the age of 17 I had enough, and when I left for college, I also
left the church for good with the realization that a God of love would
not give us the ability to feel the things we felt and then condemn us
simply for feeling them! That is simplifying it a bit, but that's
basically what I thought. Thus began my lifelong journey to sort out
the brainwashing of my youth from the truth. I can tell you that I am
still involved in that process; the training was insidious and turns
up when I least expect it. One of the biggest things I deal with today
is the concept of punishment. Having been through two bouts of breast
cancer, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that there is still a part
of my brain that thinks a god somewhere, whom I have forsaken, is
punishing me. And that everything bad that has happened in my life is
punishment for being such a wild child of the 70's. I know my mother
believes it is!

The whole idea of god fascinates me, I have to admit. As I see it, God
is a concept that we have developed to explain the mysteries of life
(that science can't yet explain), to symbolize all that is "good" and
just and fair, and whatever else we personally need a god to
symbolize. Satan is also a concept that explains all that is "evil"
and unfair in the world. Just as Santa Claus is very real to young
children, so are God and the Devil. But somehow, unlike Santa and the
Tooth Fairy, humans remain children when it comes to the concept of
gods. They are very real beings to most believers. (This would be
considered a mental health problem by most psychiatrists.)

Somewhere along the way, humans took the concept literally and their
god evolved into a self reflection, for lack of imagination I suppose.
He became jealous, judgmental, angry, vengeful (in fact, a lot of the
things that Satan was supposed to symbolize). What we have is a very
real and
dangerous god embodied by thousands of believers who need a real life
devil to hate. This is the god that has swept across the world,
destroying countless lives in his name, time after time. It is not a
benign belief system that does no harm, and in this sense god is
horribly, frighteningly real. I can no longer sit back and say
nothing. Their god has become my devil.