A Dear God letter

By Danimal ~

Dear God,

We have had a tumultuous relationship over the years. In spite of
being physically abused as a boy and relentlessly bullied in school, I
never blamed you for those. Even when I had difficulty making friends
and maintaining friendships, I was to blame. I was the one born into
sin. I was the one flawed. I could never blame someone who was holy
and knew what was best for me.

We never went to church as a family. I didn't learn about you until I
was 17 when I was introduced to an Assemblies of God church. There I
learned that your worship was vibrant and emotional. I learned about
the gifts of the spirit. I also learned about hypocrisy and narrow
mindedness. But, we're only saved, not perfect, right?

You and I grew apart from each other when I joined the Army. I was
leading a new, exciting life. I really didn't need you much. When I
returned to the university, you and I got back together again. I
didn't return to Pentecostalism. You lead me to various evangelical
churches. Sure, the people tended to be bizarre at times and always
narrow minded. But, we are all sinners. Who was I to judge your elect?

I eventually got married, found work, had four children, and
eventually joined a United Methodist church. According to most people,
you had richly blessed me. It was far from the real truth.
Ever since I can remember, I had difficulty getting along with people.
I often didn't understand things people said to me. Because I could
never look people directly in the eye, I was called "dishonest" and a
"liar". I struggled with all the abstractions in sermons and in the
bible. I was plagued with depression and despair. I was told that I
was being attacked by Satan because I was "backslidden". Who was I to
question Christians who were so much more spiritual than me?

I spent years in counseling. I was on powerful psychotropic
medications. I sometimes spent days being nothing but a zombie. I
spent time under the care of a psychiatrist. All this time I blamed my
lack of faith. If only I was as spiritual as my friends at church
were. If only I was a great christian father and husband, you would
deliver me from the hell my mind was in. I prayed for deliverance.
Even though I received nothing but silence, I still believed you were
listening.

God, did I say "friends"? What I really had at church was
"fellowship". Those that I thought were friends actually considered
themselves "mentors". They believed that I was inferior to them
spiritually, I needed their help, God, if you were to really love me.

I was always told that you never send more than we can bear. I
believed that until a year ago. I finally had an answer to all my
various mental afflictions: Aspergers syndrome, a form of high
functioning autism. God, I was crushed. The more I learned, the more I
realized why I think so concretely, don't understand abstractions,
have limited capacity to interact with others, and have various
sensory difficulties. Finally, I realized that you had indeed sent me
more affliction than I could bear.

For months I questioned my faith. For the first time, I questioned
you, God. As usual, there were no answers. I asked your spiritual
people questions, but they began to shun me. I began attending church
less and less. I quit singing those songs you love so much. I
discovered that I had no friends in church. I discovered,
metaphorically, the emperor had no clothes. Many Christians were
actually delusional. Your scripture wasn't inspired, but was written
by men. Finally, God, I realized you were simply an invention of men,
as well.

So, God, it's time to say goodbye. It's time for me to move on so I
can work through my autism the best I can. My prayers over the years
were directed to a being who didn't exist in the first place. God, you
will have company with my discarded myths of Santa Claus, the tooth
fairy, and the Easter bunny. I would like to say that I'm sorry, but
I'm not.

I know finally that I'm not the plaything of invisible super-beings. I
live in a world that is often not fair. A world that formed over
billions of years is far more wonderful than anything religion can add
to it.

So, God, sayonara,auf wiedersehen, au revoir.

Sincerely,

Danimal