What is truth

By Kolby ~

It has been about a year and a half now since I have de-converted from
Christianity. I still feel even though I have internally embraced this
new walk of life, that there is still a cross to bear with religion. I
have a family of my own (my wife who is a Christian, and a two year
old son). I as well still work for a religious organization for almost
2 and a half years coming up. I have told my wife a year ago & she had
taken it pretty well (as she is more laidback in her faith). She has
told me however it could be a 'desert place' until god brings me back,
but the truth is I will never go back to something so manipulative.

How I lost my faith started one day while I was researching the bible,
and oddly this question came to me 'What is truth?'. Although very
simple, this question I could not just throw faith at. This question
came from my very gut begging the response. As I pondered to give
reason for Jesus, the bible, personal experience to faith, the more I
tried the more something interesting had occurred. For the very first
time I was thinking for myself. As I thought and weighed what faith I
had verses these practical questions, I found myself comparing
religions/faiths/sciences all together and it was so eye-opening! I
wasn't scared at all b/c I was completely by myself and so I had the
whole day to wrestle faith with thought. It made me rather upset at
the same time that I had bought into the hype of religion so naively
when I first 'got saved', primarily because I knew no better, and
handed trust innocently over to the 'seasoned in faith' to tell me how
to believe instead of being guided individually on how to believe.

After leaving the faith I scheduled time with the pastor and
leadership of the church to be open with my new stance (and honestly
to see if they would provide some reason for me to still believe). But
in speaking with them mostly on the issues of hell I happened ~ just
with honest questions and examples to stump even them! And they
responded "Well you just gotta have faith brother! The bible says
after all to lean not on your own understanding but trust in the
Lord.) Geeze……Now, I wonder why the bible would say such a thing?
Maybe because if you used your head you'd realize there is a whole
world out there full of possibilities! And even when I saw the
dumbfounded look on their faces due to basic common sense, they
retorted to Christian authors about these authors' sayings and
evidences. I continued to make my point rather upset to say to them
that "with all due respect if you have use outside sources and
rehearsed answers, is it any wonder you need faith in religion if you
can't honestly ponder the depth the yourselves?". They all looked
distraught, like I had just ripped them off. But it was clear with the
sad and shady looks that I was going have to move on. I still consider
them friends, but we hardly see each other anymore.

As for my wife, she has oddly followed suit with me for she only
attends church once in a while. Even when I was a 'super Christian'
attending everything under the sun, she would not do anything that
encouraged bible reading or prayer so much as being a part of the
social gathering of things which I found strange in my 'super
Christian' days. But talking with her about bible reading and prayer
she felt was fake and rehearsed in group settings, which I agree it
was myself. She has her parents however who are proud elders of their
church, and you can practically see it when they put the ministry face
on. They have taken recent notice of my dispassion and much time I
spend by myself now and have questioned my spiritual walk. At this
point I have brushed off honesty to save face mostly for the sake of
my wife and my job, to say I still believe. I really don't want any
level of a holy jihad with the in-laws, or the losing of a well-paid
job to support my family over some silly beliefs – that most don't
seem to understand anyways. But I do feel for all the closet
agnostic-atheist others who in similar circumstances cannot parade to
the full extent of their beliefs. I am half way out of the closet, and
have been searching for some type of Agnostic support group (to gain
new friends who think as I do, & about how to take the next steps to
become fully open in my new walk of life). I hope this encourages
those who are going through a similar walk. If anyone can lend some
advice on taking the next step or how you handled the situation to be
fully open, anything would be much appreciated! Thanks.