By Rick Hanson, Ph. D
It's easy to treat people well when they treat you well. The real test
is when they treat you badly.
Think of times you've been truly wronged, in small ways or big ones.
Maybe someone stole something , turned others against you, broke an
agreement, cheated on you, or spoke unfairly or abusively.
When things like these happen, I feel mad, hurt, startled, wounded,
sad. Naturally it arises to want to strike back and punish, get others
to agree with me, and make a case against the other person in my own
mind.
These feelings and impulses are normal. But what happens if you get
caught up in reactions and go overboard? (Which is different from
keeping your cool, seeing the big picture, and acting wisely – which
we'll explore below.) There's usually a release and satisfaction, and
thinking you're justified. It feels good.
For a little while.
But bad things usually follow. The other person overreacts, too, in a
vicious cycle. Other people – relatives, friends, co-workers – get
involved and muddy the water. You don't look very good when you act
out of upset, and others remember. It gets harder to work through the
situation in a reasonable way. After the dust settles, you feel bad
inside.
As the Buddha said long ago, "Getting angry with another person is
like throwing hot coals with bare hands: both people get burned." You
can see much the same thing internationally. Gandhi put it so well:
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."
Sure, you need to clarify your position, stand up for yourself, set
boundaries, speak truth to power. The art – and I'm still working on
it, myself! – is to do these things without the fiery excesses that
have bad consequences for you, others, and our fragile planet.
How?
Start by getting centered, which often takes just a dozen seconds or so:
Pause – You rarely get in trouble for what you don't say or do.
Give yourself the gift of time, even just a few seconds.
Have compassion for yourself – This a moment of feeling "ouch,
that hurts, I wish this hadn't happened." A neurologically savvy trick
for activating self-compassion is to first recall the feeling of being
with someone who cares about you.
Get on your own side – This means being for yourself, not against
others. It can help to remember a time when you felt strong, like
doing something that was physically challenging, or sticking up for
someone you loved.
Make a plan – Start figuring out what you're going to do, or at
least where you'll start.
And now that you're on firmer ground, here are some practical
suggestions; use the ones you like:
Clarify the facts – What actually happened?
Rate the bad event accurately – On a 0 – 10 awfulness scale (a
dirty look is a 1 and nuclear war is a 10), how bad was it, really? If
the event is a 3 on the awfulness scale, why have emotional reactions
that are a 5 (or 9!) on the 0 – 10 upset scale?
See the big picture – Recognize the OK aspects of the situation
mixed up with the bad ones. Put the situation in the larger context of
unrelated good things happening for you, and your lifetime altogether.
See the biggest picture of all: how your experiences are continually
changing and it's not worth getting all caught up in them.
Reflect about the other person – Consider the "10,000 causes"
upstream that led him or her to do whatever happened. Be careful about
assuming it was intentional; much of the time you're just a bit player
in other people's drama. Try to have compassion for them, which will
make you feel better. If applicable, take responsibility for your own
part in the matter (but don't blame yourself unfairly). You can have
compassion and forgiveness for others while still considering their
actions to be morally wrong.
Do what you can, concretely – As possible, protect yourself from
people who wrong you; shrink the relationship to the size that is
safe. Get support; it's important for others to "bear witness" when
you've been mistreated. Build up your resources. Get good advice –
from a friend, therapist, lawyer, or even the police. As appropriate,
pursue justice.
Act with unilateral virtue – Live by your code even if others do
not. This will make you feel good, lead others to respect you, and
create the best chance that the person who wronged you will treat you
better in the future.
Say what needs to be said – There is a good formula from the field
of "nonviolent communication": "When X happens (stated objectively;
not "when you are a jerk"), I feel Y (emotions; not "I fell you are an
idiot"), because I need Z (deep needs like: "to be safe, respected,
emotionally close to others, autonomous and not bossed around").
Then, if it would be useful, you can make a request for the future.
Some examples: "If I bother you, could you talk with me directly?"
"Could you not swear at me?" "Could you treat your agreements with me
and your children as seriously as you do those at work?"
Move on – For your own sake, start releasing your angry or hurt
thoughts and feelings. Stop your mind from obsessing about the past,
and focus on the present and future. Turn toward what is going well,
what you're grateful for. Do things that feel pleasurable.
In the garden of your life, you have to pull some weeds, sure, but
mainly focus on planting flowers.
Be at peace – All you can really do is what you can do. Others are
going to do whatever they do, and realistically, sometimes it won't be
that great. Many people disappoint: they've got a million things
swirling around in their head, life's been tough, there were issues in
their childhood, their ethics are fuzzy, their thinking is clouded,
etc. It's the real world, and cannot be perfected.
You have to find peace in your heart, not out there in the world. A
peace that comes from seeing clearly, from building up and focusing on
good things in your own garden, and from letting go.
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