Terror of being a Christian

By Unknown Author

I am 23 and was raised in a Catholic family in a small farming
community in Australia. My family were never very strict catholics, we
went to mass almost once a week, said grace before meals etc. I never
really thought about hell, the way my mum spoke most people would go
to heaven anyway (she believes in a very loving God). My mum was
raised a Catholic and my dad was Anglican, but they both identify as
Catholics now. I have 2 sisters (one is very atheist and the other a
devout non-denominational Christian) and a brother who attends
Christian youth group but I'm not really sure what his exact beliefs
are. I am also in a relationship with a guy who identifies as very
strongly Atheist!
Up until about November last year I was basically Agnostic... I kinda
thought that the Christian belief system was silly, and I'd never
really read the Bible or paid attention in mass... I just went with my
family to keep my mum happy Posted Image
In November last year, I was being naughty on night duty again and was
reading ghost stories and the like to keep myself awake in the early
hours of the morning. I decided to read about the end of the world in
2012, so I googled it and came across a Christian website which was
basically refuting all the supposed theories of the apocalypse this
year (this sounds crazy i know...) then a popup came up: "Want to know
something more scary than the end of the world in 2012?" so of course,
I clicked the link, which took me to a page all about Hell, basically
telling me that I would be going to Hell...
Long story short... that website freaked me out so much that I became
obsessed with God, Hell and religion. I was TERRIFIED of going to
Hell, and was convinced that since i was sleeping with my boyfriend
and about to move in with him (which hasn't happened yet) I would be
going there. I basically went into a deep depression, spent two whole
weeks not doing much more than crying and panicking, stopped eating
(who wants to eat when you are convinced that when you die you will
suffer an eternity of immense pain), lost 5 kilograms (which is a lot
for someone who has always been told I am too skinny!), went for days
without getting a wink of sleep and completely withdrew from my
relationship. I read lots of Christian websites, and talked to
Christian friends. Only one of these told me I would be going to hell
unless I stopped what I was doing, another told me I should ask my
partner to wait for marriage (his answer was a big fat no!) but as
long as I asked for forgiveness I would be OK, another (who lives and
sleeps with her atheist boyfriend) told me that she feels guilty for
not waiting for marriage, but doesn't want to go backwards in her
relationship with her partner. she says that when she prays she knows
God forgives her. My best friend (who converted to Christianity when
she married a Christian) told me to just keep doing it and repent when
I get married! When I told my Mum what I was going through, at first
she thought it was about my partner, that he'd upset me and this was
just my way of reacting (mum has never liked my partner!). He was
actually VERY supportive, coming over to my house every night, cooking
me dinner, making me eat, listening to me, reassuring me and cuddling
me for hours on end Posted Image When mum finally realised that it
wasn't about him, she bacame more supportive, reassuring me that God
loved me and that there was "no way God would send such a beautiful
person to hell" (awww). She put up with my constant phone calls and
told me that all she really cared about was my happiness Posted Image
She also told me I should move in with my partner if that was what I
really wanted.
I also spoke to my little sister (the Christian one) ,she gave me a
Bible... which really wasn't the best thing for her to do! I spent
hours sitting on my lounge reading her Bible and crying about the
things I read. Every now and then I would find a nice, reassuring
verse, but that would only keep me happy for a little while before I
started focusing on the bad things I'd read again.
The Christian websites I read scared me too. I kept finding things
about Christian beliefs that I'd never even known... for example
Mortal sins in the Catholic church... I decided that since I'd had sex
outside of marriage, and since that was a Mortal (unforgiveable) sin,
there was no hope for me, I would be going to Hell regardless. Another
thing that scared me was that you could not get forgiven for
blasphemy... so I was definitely going to Hell Posted Image
I think the things that scared me the MOST though, were the prophesies
about the world ending (this was how I'd stumbled back into
Christianity in the first place, after all). When I was growing up, I
never even knew the Bible included these prophesies... I read into
them, read all the websites explaining how the end times are now
etc... and got even more scared! the bits that scared me most (and
still scare me a bit now) were the parts in Mark (I think, there's no
way I'm letting myself pick up a Bible to look up the reference...
I'll probably just find something else in there to scare myself with!)
about the signs of the end times- specifically people turning away
from their faith (from what I've seen this is happening quite a bit)
and earthquakes in various places- every time I see another earthquake
on the news I start to panic again.
Then... I found this site (http://new.exchristian.net) !! i read and
read, couldn't get enough of it! I felt so reassured- the logic on
here just makes sense to me Now I feel almost back to normal I still
feel scared from time to time... I think about what will happen if I'm
wrong, and wonder if Christianity is true, but mostly I'm back to my
happy self . my sex life (which pretty much became extinct!) is
starting to go back to normal (although I do still feel guilty from
time to time). Sorry if thats too much information haha! Anyway, I
just wanted to thank everyone who posts on this site, you have hepled
me come out of the darkest period of my life and I am very grateful
for that! I am still scared of going back to that dark period, but I'm
trying my hardest not to