When I was in college, I fell in love with a Catholic boy. I graduated
and followed him to another state for graduate school. My parents
disowned me. They told me that if I choose him, that I was dead to them.
For two years, I was estranged from my parents. At the end of the two
years, I was vulnerable and ended up breaking it off with my love in
order to become a part of my family again. I married a man who was
Jewish and proceeded to have 3 fabulous children. However, the guy was
both physically and emotionally abusive. After 14 years of marriage, I
took the kids and got out. I was so demoralized that I did not realize
that I accepted escalating abuse because in fact, my parents were deeply
emotionally abusive. I gave my children both more religious training
and more religious tolerance than my parents gave to me. They have each
chosen their own paths in that regard. That is a topic for another day. I
love them unconditionally.
I don't think i ever really analyzed my feelings about the Abrahamic god
the majority of my life. I did not read any version of the bible on my
own, including the tanach...the hebrew 5 books of moses or old
testament. I was content to just take my understanding of all world
religions in the way they are presented to the popular culture. I was
really cumbaya about the whole thing and did not realize that the god of
the bible destroyed my life.
Then I moved to South Carolina.
Everyone was very very Christian and very very conservative Protestant. I
decided to study Christianity. I read the KJV Bible and also my own
English Translation of the Hebrew bible. I compared the translations in
the old testament between them. I researched online and in real time
about the beliefs of christians of various denominations. I read
European history about how the various slight differences caused wars
and divisions, made and destroyed royalty. I understood the motivations
of coming to America for religious freedom in a whole new way. As a
child, my history lessons were sanitized American history and the
history of the Jews in the Old World (A viewpoint which paints ALL
christians including Catholics with one broad brush).
As I studied the bible, new and old, I became more and more horrified by
the things that I learned. Calvinists actually think that babies who
die go to hell because they have not accepted Jesus? The Jews who were
savagely murdered in the Inquisition are going to hell, but their
Inquisitors are not? WTF?
I spent a fair amount of time feeling almost as threatened by christianity as my crazy ass mother who disowned me. And then...
I studied pre-Abrahamic religions. I found a great website called "POCM"
Pagan Origins of the Christ Myth. You should all check it out. It is
totally awesome. But it forced me to do one last thing...
Look at the religion of my birth.
I really thought about the things the Hebrews were told by their god to
do to other people. I read about a petty, jealous god who said he knew
everything but did not know that Adam and Eve would eat the apple or
that Cain would Kill Abel. Well, shoot, how can humans sneak stuff on
god if he knows everything??
I spent most of my life doubting. I no longer doubt. The Abrahamic god
is a pagan god. Just like the gods before him. And frankly, I loved
those stories too, but a never believed them even a little. It all came
clear. There may be some glue that holds the universe together. But is
certainly is not the Abrahamic god.
That is the short version of my de-conversion, such that it is. I was
converted from Judaism to Atheism by studying Christianity. And that is
why I am here.
Flo
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