trying to get 'saved'

By Matthew ~

When I was young I was very inquisitive. I gravitated towards music,
astronomy, and math. I always wanted to know how things worked, and I
would spend hours taking apart toy trains, playing with Legos, and
wondering how in the world a car worked. I wanted to be a mechanic or
an astronaut. The world was ablaze with beauty and structure and I had
to know how it all worked.

I was also enthralled with the idea of heaven. My first memories are
learning about Jesus coming back to take us back to heaven to live
with him forever. I was told I would be able to fly and play with wild
animals in heaven. Sometimes I would go outside and watch for Jesus,
trying to spot the cloud that was carrying him back to this earth to
save us.

As I grew up and began to "understand" the whole process of salvation,
I learned that one had to be saved in order to go to heaven. I realize
now that I approached salvation with the same curiosity I approached
astronomy and mechanics: I had to know how it all worked. I wanted to
know at what point I was saved or unsaved, how the holy spirit filled
me up, and how to avoid slipping into sin. Pretty deep stuff for a ten
year old, really. The whole fascination was about heaven. Heaven would
be a glorious place, and I was going to be there.

At some point I decided I needed to "know" that I was saved. I needed
a marker of sorts, a true/false test that I could point to in order to
know I was getting to heaven. It was my inquisitive side, I think,
that longed for evidence, just like a scientist. At this point it
became less about heaven, though, and started to be more about hell. I
could imagine hell just as vivid as I could imagine heaven, and it
wasn't pretty. I don't think I need to elaborate on how awful hell
could be. The worst part for me wasn't the flames, it was the idea
that I would be separated from my friends and family forever.

I wanted to know at what point I was saved or unsaved, how the holy
spirit filled me up, and how to avoid slipping into sin.I eventually
did come up with a test. With the help of a charismatic preacher, I
decided I could know I was saved if I was happy. Not just happy, but
joyful, ecstatic, peaceful, all the time. ALL THE TIME. And the more I
grew in Christ, the more happy I would be.

It didn't take long for me to sense some negative emotions. I decided
I must have gotten unsaved during the day. I would try to pray them
away at night, but the uncertainty would lead to angst, which would
lead to fear, and then I'd be unsaved again. It didn't take long for
me to spiral into a full panic attack. The first few times my mother
heard them and could re-assure me. After that I figured out how to
keep them quiet.

For two years, from ages 11 to 13 I suffered panic attacks at night
thinking that I wasn't saved. I would roll about, toss and turn, and
claw at my chest. At 13 I decided to stop trying and just be unsaved.
My high school years didn't have the panic attacks but I learned to be
very ashamed of who I was. I also knew that Jesus could return at any
moment and leave me to burn.

I tried to get saved in college. Sometimes I would devote an entire
weekend to getting saved, spending time in nature to finally figure it
out. The panic attacks continued. Eventually I did manage to convince
myself that I was saved. I used the same test as a child. I had to be
happy. But this time I focused less on being happy and more on
avoiding negative emotions, which I interpreted as Satan and demons.
By keeping out those bad feelings I was keeping out Satan. It was a
real psychological feat, but my twenties were characterized with
avoiding and repressing all negative emotions. Sometimes it took a lot
of work, like switching careers, moving back home, or avoiding all
risks. I moved across the US 3 times, gave up job opportunities and
careers, avoiding anything that might make me feel unsettled. And all
the while I thought God was leading me and that I was getting closer
to him.

Finally at age 28 I stopped believing in God. It was like a bomb went
off in my brain. Every repressed emotion came rushing in like a tidal
wave, and I didn't know how to take it. I've spent the last two years
even as an unbeliever trying to avoid those emotions as well. I just
keep trying to get saved. The panic attacks came back with a
vengeance. My first therapist suggested I find a church. My second
told me atheism was arrogant. I keep looking for mental health care
that is appropriate for what I now consider to be abuse, but am still
looking. I went for 17 years avoiding and repressing emotions.
Learning to live with them is not easy.

Imagine a child growing up without believing in heaven or hell?
Imagine not having make sure you're saved all the time? This is the
world I am trying to give my son. While I am not a perfect parent, I
am hoping to help my son experience the joy, peace, and yes, even the
pain and grief of this present world. I want him to have a fully human
experience. There is so much richness and beauty (and yes, danger) in
the world around us, we don't need to come up with a glorious or
tortuous afterlife to inspire or scare us. There's enough joy and pain
in this present world.

I guess in a weird way I finally feel like I am saved. Not from hell,
but from Christianity. And although I still suffer, and am still
struggling to interpret my emotions, I am growing as a human, learning
to experience the beauty of everything around me, and I no longer fear
a literal hell. If there is one thing I would tell a Christian it
would be this: There is no such thing as being "unsaved." You are full
and complete in your humanity. Learn from your mistakes and live for
today. This life is the best we've got, and you don't need the promise
of an afterlife to experience meaning or joy.